First of all, I know, the title hmm? Why would a Doctor in their right mind come up with a mental health issue entitled Borderline Personality disorder? to reinforce the feeling of being broken or wrong, different and alienated? Might as well just say F**ked up nutter? Please Doctors, if we need to label how about we initiate a different one? I am 39 now and cant share this diagnosis with anyone because it opens me wide up to sound like the most pathetic, personality defective person ever, and I'm actually fairly smart, sociable and take care of responsibilities like lots of other people.
I felt it about time I wrote something about this disorder because although I've been diagnosed with this, that and the other, this one speaks to me the loudest.
I noticed symptoms of this probably around the age of 11, possibly earlier, although I didn't know what was going on at the time. Thought this is just me, I'm defective.
My experience of symptoms
An over reaction to things; such as my Mother leaving to go to visit family, threatening to leave without me if I didn't hurry up. She leaves as warned. Not a big deal, right? I knew she was coming back but I remember my reactions to things like this and more felt very FINAL, scary and painful, almost like the kind of loss when someone dies suddenly, shock, jolt to the chest kind of reaction. And anything FINAL always frightened me. (like my serious panic attacks about what happens after death (not going there today)).
I spent most of my early teenage years feeling embarrassed about my reactions to events. I'd be crying over something that didn't warrant the reaction, only to be fine and laughing moments later. Like I was thinking "who the hell was that embarrassing creature earlier?" Like a crazy upset child popping out of the wood works at inopportune times that I would either have to apologise for later, orrrr play down and go into denial about.
Sharing feelings with friends let some pressure out but then I'd resent them later because I felt they had "one up on me", might betray me with it or use it as ammunition or even worse think they were better than me. If I did have a disagreement with one friend, I generally didn't share with other friends because I assumed they'd be thinking, "yeah, it's really her fault, she's hyper sensitive, what a nightmare". I mean I'm the one with irregular emotions so they will believe and back up the other person over me, logically, right? I always too felt I wouldn't be believed in things if I went against another person's opinion they'd never believe my word over someone else's because I'm the high maintenance one, highly strung so I must always be wrong, my opinion isn't really valid as a normal person's opinion. In fact in my world what others thought of me was reality and their reality seemed to be of more relevance than mine (to me). At times I still find it hard to gauge when my feelings are valid. I mean when people are arguing they are often fighting their own agenda lets face it so how can I gauge who is right and who is wrong?
Needing to bond and share too much, trusting too soon, divulging too much, no boundaries, then realising you've done this and they haven't shared as much you start having internal battles with who you are and how you feel, makes you feel like a neurotic nut-case. You want so desperately to share to bond but know your feelings and emotions are stronger than most so you have to hide them as best you can.
I spent most of my early teenage years feeling embarrassed about my reactions to events. I'd be crying over something that didn't warrant the reaction, only to be fine and laughing moments later. Like I was thinking "who the hell was that embarrassing creature earlier?" Like a crazy upset child popping out of the wood works at inopportune times that I would either have to apologise for later, orrrr play down and go into denial about.
Sharing feelings with friends let some pressure out but then I'd resent them later because I felt they had "one up on me", might betray me with it or use it as ammunition or even worse think they were better than me. If I did have a disagreement with one friend, I generally didn't share with other friends because I assumed they'd be thinking, "yeah, it's really her fault, she's hyper sensitive, what a nightmare". I mean I'm the one with irregular emotions so they will believe and back up the other person over me, logically, right? I always too felt I wouldn't be believed in things if I went against another person's opinion they'd never believe my word over someone else's because I'm the high maintenance one, highly strung so I must always be wrong, my opinion isn't really valid as a normal person's opinion. In fact in my world what others thought of me was reality and their reality seemed to be of more relevance than mine (to me). At times I still find it hard to gauge when my feelings are valid. I mean when people are arguing they are often fighting their own agenda lets face it so how can I gauge who is right and who is wrong?
Needing to bond and share too much, trusting too soon, divulging too much, no boundaries, then realising you've done this and they haven't shared as much you start having internal battles with who you are and how you feel, makes you feel like a neurotic nut-case. You want so desperately to share to bond but know your feelings and emotions are stronger than most so you have to hide them as best you can.
I suppose some of the scariest situations have been surrounding men. Boyfriends; If I was to start seeing someone. Initially I'd be all over the place, needy, demanding and always on the look out for even the slightest sign of rejection, it might be a "dirty" look, missing a glance, other priorities, last minute changes in plan, all kinds of things, on one occasion even in my thirties when I thought I was getting the "cold shoulder" from a new love interest I was so distraught, in work I went into the toilets and cut my thighs with a razor. Nothing serious but still very weird reactions. My relationships have never been normal. I remember a guy was horrible to my Mother and I wished him dead, unfortunately the guy DID die a year or so later so of course at the funeral at 15 I went into the toilets and cut my face up for my wicked thoughts. There has been more but I was prompted to type this today because I recently kissed an ex-client of mine (I'm a coach), (no boundaries obviously) and then I started all the old behaviour, you are always busy, you are giving me crumbs, started thinking about all the old ways, the cutting the anger, the rage the temper tantrums like a child, from sitting quite happily with nice enough texts going back and forth to then me wanting to spend time with him and him not being available, me feeling undervalued, angry and too much so. Trying old worn out manipulative guilt trips. Deleting all his details to stop the side of me from texting crazily over-emotional stuff to him. You could actually just call it bratty but to me it's more psycho in my head. He's pretty perceptive and insightful and compassionate but it's like inside I say "I run away, I'll cut you out rather than let you reject me in any way" (not that he really was). Led me to dumping him from facebook and deleting his phone number and phone logs to prevent myself from further contact and to not feel the rejected one. The guy is a good guy, albeit busy as hell, he has done nothing wrong!!! His lifestyle may not suit me but that's not his personality or direct rejection of me. It's like urgent need, not being fulfilled, panic, tantrum, next day back to normal but sometimes a clean up of the aftermath. The funny thing is after I've seen him I get another feeling of oooh I'm not sure I want him which is also a sick kind of anxious feeling, like I've tied into something I may not get out of.
Any feelings of abandonment or rejection in particular can lead to bouts of anxiety from a few hours to a few days if really severe or there is any alcohol involved.
Also drinking can lead to dangerrrrrous behaviours. Being too trusting, not having any boundaries, taking non judgemental to a dangerous extreme. Once found myself in a car with a man only to realise he wasn't a cab driver at all but a guy trying his luck. I drunkenly and brazenly said, "Well you can give it your best shot but I promise you one way or another you'll get hurt". He offered me a line of coke which I cant remember if I took or not, he dropped me home and luckily didn't try anything; I got off scot free that time. Some of these things I know people just do for various reasons, loneliness etc but I'm blogging my experiences to see if others relate if it helps someone realise it's not just them; they can share their secret with others who will understand.
I had a job I liked, I got on well with my team and them with me. However I was on disciplinary because I wasn't hitting targets so I was feeling vulnerable and most likely would be on the way out despite good relationships. I had been a top performer and then was failing miserably and seeing my new colleagues excel. One day there were only three of us in the office. My female and male colleague/friends. My pretty little buddy was whispering to our male colleague who I have a soft spot for. I felt jealous and excluded. The rage, jealousy and dare I say it, hatred I felt within became so powerful that when I had my appraisal that day I handed in my notice. I never told my friend why I handed in notice, because it wasn't her hurt fault of course and I felt ashamed at my jealousy and insecurity. My inability to regulate my emotions meant I walked out of that job with no new job to go into and no savings lined up. This kind of impulsive behaviour is another thing for me. Impulsive behaviour at it's best. Yet I draw new business easily and build client relationships easily and gain trust very easily too, I'm no idiot and very capable; but consistency is where I struggle and emotional regulation or control over emotions has cost me sooooo many opportunities I think to grow and make money. Also my need to be a "good person" has also cost me a lot of money.
This is not only in situations with men, I've experienced major bouts of anxiety around my Mother, lots of feelings of unnecessary guilt or not having been kind enough or good enough or morbid feelings of losing her. And in general with friends. I tend to love passionately and then if I feel rejected or anxious I will cut out the person entirely only to regret it later or secretly hope they come back to find me. Amazingly I do have some friends and I have a massive massive heart and I'm as honest as I can be without admitting to them that I' have BPD.
There is a scene in Lord of the Rings that reminds me of how how BPD is for me. It's a scene where Smeagol(Gollum) is having an internal battle with himself . The Gollum side is all distrustful, bitter and twisted and the Smeagol remembers innocence, is hopeful and wants to please others and be loved and understood.
I recently read something a girl had written in an article about her BPD and it explains it perfectly. It's like from the age of 11 my mind and body have been growing but my emotional self is not working properly and is lagging behind.
Btw the only things that have really helped me in the past which I really need to do again is meditation and mindfulness to make me more aware of the behaviour and gives you a sense of slowing down in terms of being able to stop the behaviour in its tracks.
This is my first real blog so please go easy on me and if you have any questions, please ask :)
I had a job I liked, I got on well with my team and them with me. However I was on disciplinary because I wasn't hitting targets so I was feeling vulnerable and most likely would be on the way out despite good relationships. I had been a top performer and then was failing miserably and seeing my new colleagues excel. One day there were only three of us in the office. My female and male colleague/friends. My pretty little buddy was whispering to our male colleague who I have a soft spot for. I felt jealous and excluded. The rage, jealousy and dare I say it, hatred I felt within became so powerful that when I had my appraisal that day I handed in my notice. I never told my friend why I handed in notice, because it wasn't her hurt fault of course and I felt ashamed at my jealousy and insecurity. My inability to regulate my emotions meant I walked out of that job with no new job to go into and no savings lined up. This kind of impulsive behaviour is another thing for me. Impulsive behaviour at it's best. Yet I draw new business easily and build client relationships easily and gain trust very easily too, I'm no idiot and very capable; but consistency is where I struggle and emotional regulation or control over emotions has cost me sooooo many opportunities I think to grow and make money. Also my need to be a "good person" has also cost me a lot of money.
This is not only in situations with men, I've experienced major bouts of anxiety around my Mother, lots of feelings of unnecessary guilt or not having been kind enough or good enough or morbid feelings of losing her. And in general with friends. I tend to love passionately and then if I feel rejected or anxious I will cut out the person entirely only to regret it later or secretly hope they come back to find me. Amazingly I do have some friends and I have a massive massive heart and I'm as honest as I can be without admitting to them that I' have BPD.
There is a scene in Lord of the Rings that reminds me of how how BPD is for me. It's a scene where Smeagol(Gollum) is having an internal battle with himself . The Gollum side is all distrustful, bitter and twisted and the Smeagol remembers innocence, is hopeful and wants to please others and be loved and understood.
I recently read something a girl had written in an article about her BPD and it explains it perfectly. It's like from the age of 11 my mind and body have been growing but my emotional self is not working properly and is lagging behind.
Btw the only things that have really helped me in the past which I really need to do again is meditation and mindfulness to make me more aware of the behaviour and gives you a sense of slowing down in terms of being able to stop the behaviour in its tracks.
This is my first real blog so please go easy on me and if you have any questions, please ask :)
